When we talk about general issues of parenting such as food, breastfeeding or education, we usually find different points of view. There are different currents and opinions on each of these issues, however all are regularly based on the recommendations of a health or education professional.
However, there are also other issues that do not really carry a specific guide or recommendations, such as the one I want to address on this day: to force or not the children to greet and say goodbye to kiss and hug everyone.
"Say hello daughter, don't be rude"
When I was little, I remember that this phrase was told to me a lot by my dad or my maternal grandmother, who was like a second mother to me. Although they also used a more common variant in Mexico: "Say hello, don't be a rancher"I never understood what the ranchers had to do with not saying hello but to date, I still hear other parents say it.
Just at a party this weekend, I greeted some friends of my parents who came with their preteen children and seeing that they did not greet me their dad said: "greet children, don't be ranchers"They certainly obeyed and with a shy smile they greeted me with a kiss and I returned the greetings as friendly and relaxed as I could, so they wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
And is that "uncomfortable" is just how I felt when my parents told me that I should greet someone with a kiss or give a hug. When I was a child I guess I did it automatically by following my parents' instructions, but as I grew up I was hating having to do it.
There were simply people who liked to see me and others not so much. Why did he have to say hello and sometimes even with a hug to everyone? My parents said that by education. That by not doing so, she gave the impression that she was not an educated girl and that people would think she was rude or disrespectful. And respect for what I felt?
Of course this is not a claim to my parents, nor do I hold a grudge or courage for something that may not be very important now. I understand that each generation breeds differently and many are based on the way we were raised by our parents. Every father and mother does what they can with the tools they have.
But now that recently happened that and I had to be on the other side of the "Say hello, don't be rude"I began to reflect a bit and decided to share why, since my daughter was one year old, I decided that I wouldn't force her to kiss someone if she didn't want to.
First of all, education
Before you think that I am raising a savage girl or a girl without manners, I would like to clarify that something that I think is extremely important in raising children is education. I consider that An essential part of our work and responsibilities as parents is to teach our children to treat others with respect and kindness.
Since Lucia is one year old, she has learned to say "thank you" and around two years old, when she was beginning to say small sentences, we taught her to say "please". Now, she knows that when she asks for something she should do it by being kind and including "please" and thanking when they give it to her.
Arriving at a place says "hello" or "good afternoon" depending on how we greet others. He knows that when we arrive at a place we greet and when we leave. But a kiss or a hug is not the same as a "good afternoon." It is one thing to learn to greet, another very different to force to kiss.
A kiss and a hug are not for anyone
For me, kisses and hugs are a sign of appreciation and affection. This does not mean that if I do not greet someone with a kiss or hug, it means that it bothers me or dislikes me. I'm just not born to do it, period. But I already learned to differentiate and know that I have the ability to choose freely, without being obliged to do something that I do not like or I am not born to do.
We adults have a habit to greet our family, close friends and maybe people who are not really friends but we frequent, like coworkers. It really is something we do automatically, but if we think about it, it is something that we usually do only with those who have the confidence to do it or feel comfortable greeting them in this way.
There is a time when you go from a cordial "good afternoon" to a "hello" and then to a greeting with a kiss and even a hug. We do not say hello for example, to the clerk of a store that we do not know or that we only see every so often, because in reality, she is a strange person. The same goes for our children.
Perhaps we already know someone from many years, for example some friend of the institute or a distant aunt that we see a couple of times a year. But for our children they are strangers. Putting ourselves in their place, although for us it is our beloved aunt that we have known for a lifetime, for them it is a strange person, whom they must gradually know. We cannot expect that just because we know them, they are obliged to greet you in the same way. The day they are born give them a kiss or hug them, they will. Remember that kisses are not requested, they are given away.
Why did I choose that I wouldn't force my daughter to give kisses or hugs if she doesn't want to
As mothers we have to choose how we will raise our children, and many of these decisions, consciously or unconsciously, we make based on the upbringing we had. Something I've always had very clear, is that I don't want to put my daughter in uncomfortable situations or that make her feel fear, pain, insecurity or that may confuse her.
So I decided that I would never force her to give someone a kiss or a hug if she didn't want to. Besides that I don't want him to feel uncomfortable, these are other of my reasons:
- Because I want her to learn since she was a child that when she says "no" is no, period.
- Because I want him to know that No one can touch her or approach her without her consent.
- Because I want him to know that she is free to decide to whom he expresses affection and to whom not. She is not forced to love everyone.
- Because I want that understand the difference between education samples and love samples.
- Why I don't want anyone to try to get something from her if she isn't born to do it or give it.
- Because I want him to learn that a kiss is something special and an arm is something that is given with the heart.
Of course there are times when my daughter says goodbye with a kiss from people she knows little or just knows. If she is born to give a show of affection, who am I to prevent it? I am glad to see that she is a kind and loving girl, and for the same reason I have decided to allow her to choose who shows affection or gratitude.
There will probably be some mothers who think I am exaggerating or that I am giving too much importance. But I think that This is something that as parents we have to choose individually and freely. While we must educate our children, teach them manners and be good people, it does not seem quite right to force them to show signs of affection that they do not feel or make them feel uncomfortable.
