Traditionally, perinatal losses have been experienced from inside doors in homes, in private, almost in secret. Little by little we are making visible this reality that, having been hidden, seemed infrequent, but which actually affects many, many women. Well, to many women and many men. Do youHow perinatal loss affects parents? What can we do for them?
It is estimated that between 15% and 50% of pregnancies do not end as expected. It is a very high, very high figure. Until recently, there was virtually no talk about the subject, which led many times to a greater guilty feeling (Have I done something wrong?), loneliness, greater sadness and worse coping.
Fortunately, today it is becoming a more visible reality, more and more couples are talking openly about it, which is undoubtedly helping to normalize it and that those who now go through it have more support.
There is still a long way to go in this regard, it is true, especially in view of the attention these women receive, but at least it is no longer a taboo.
This small opening to the world, this visibility, already tiny in the case of women, is even less so for them, the parents. But they also suffer, they also lose, and although it is not the same, because we are the ones who carry that little being inside us, the pain is just as real.
My role above my feelings
For many men, their role during pregnancy is primarily caring, caring and being there for what the mother needs. A very important role, no doubt.
However, when a loss occurs, this role of caregiver can cause block the expression of your own feelings and that their own grieving and recovery process be hindered or complicated, according to a study by the University of Minnesota.
Does this mean then that everyone has to limit themselves to taking care of their own point? Not at all: as a couple this will undoubtedly be one of the most complex and painful trances you will go through, and the way to survive, to be able to move forward, is to do it by being united, supporting and loving each other very much. And that happens, of course, for take care of the other.
We feel the same but we express it differently
According to an important review, the reality is that men and women we develop the same feelings In this painful situation. Yes, we feel the same ... but we don't manifest it in the same way, that's the difference.
It hurts all of us, we all suffer: sadness, anxiety or even depression can make an appearance whatever our gender, but they have been educated (in general) to not express emotions, not to get carried away by them, so They have more difficulty expressing it. This in turn can lead to a worse management: if I don't verbalize, if I don't talk about it, everything stays inside and I will make a worse management of my feelings.
The main studies, according to this review, indicate that one of the things that most affects them is the loss of the role they had created: I'm not going to be a dad anymore.
With the visibility of perinatal loss also comes the external support: family and friends come to care for and help this couple who has just lost their little heart. But it happens that much of that support is directed towards the mother, which on the other hand is understandable since it is she who has physically carried the baby, who has felt it in her body, which, in some cases, has had to give birth to him then say goodbye to him ...
Supporting mom is logical, what is expected and is great, but they are also there, they have also lost, they are also wrong. When that external support does not arrive, the feeling of loneliness can be devastating.
At the most maladaptive extreme we find men to whom the feeling of loneliness it has devoured, that they feel absolutely helpless, which can lead them to isolate themselves (or resort to the use of alcohol or drugs in some cases).
What can we do for them
We can do for them the same thing we need them to do for us, so I would rephrase the issue and make it a What can we do for each other or what can we do together?
As I said before, losing a pregnancy, losing a baby, is perhaps one of the toughest things that a couple can face in life, it is something that undoubtedly puts us to the test both as individuals and as a couple, and if we want to overcome it (learn to live with it), we have to do it together.
- Promote the expression of feelings: Culturally, men have been educated not to externalize their feelings, to the point that many have not really learned to do so. In these tough situations, emotional expression is absolutely necessary, so that I may need your help, you who are your partner, to do so. Ask him, favor that he expresses how he feels, what he needs ...
- Permission to be wrong: something horrible happened to you, so dear friend, you have the right to suffer, you have the right to hurt. That does not mean that you support your partner, that you take care of her, but allow yourself this pain, because to deny it is to create a long-term problem.
- Express your needs, ask your environment for help, you don't have to be alone, you don't have to be the only one to take care of… You are two, you have friends, family, go to them.
- Lots of love: the pain is there, but your love too, use it as a balm, may your relationship be your refuge.
I wish nobody had to go through something like that, but if it has touched you, if it has touched you, take care of each other: nobody has to be stronger, nobody has to endure more, you are a team and together you will be able to placate this pain . Courage, much encouragement. Someday a beautiful rainbow baby may arrive.
Photos: Pixabay.com
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