One of the issues that most concern us parents today is how to correct certain behaviors in children. We wonder if we should punish them, when and how to do it, if those punishments are effective and if there are other alternatives that we can put into practice.
To clarify all those and other doubts, we talk about punishments with a true expert, child psychologist Silvia Álava, author of the books 'We want happy children. What they never taught us' Y 'We want them to grow up happy. From childhood to adolescence', which is presented these days, both published by JdeJ editors.
Many people think that giving a colleja is not so bad, that it is not serious, that "it is hardly a touch", but beyond the physical (which is also not acceptable), is it a good way to correct inappropriate behavior in sons? Why?
No, never and under no circumstances is it permissible to hit or cheat or slap a childWell, in this way, we will not only do him physical harm, but we will show him that we have lost control of the situation, and that he has managed to despair; and it is important that children see that at all times it is the adult who maintains control, never him.
Are physical punishments any good? Are there licenses to hit the children?
Let's not forget that a child's main source of learning is modeling, that is, the children copy what they see in their reference figures, that mainly we are the parents. If we want social ills like violence to disappear, and not just gender, let's not teach our children that physical punishment is an option, by no means.
And non-physical punishments, do they serve anything? How should they be to be effective?
Punishment is not an essential resource in the education of childrenIn fact, psychology has shown us that in a few cases the punishment is effective.
"Punishment is not an essential resource in the education of children. In few cases the punishment is effective."
The goal in education is to consolidate positive behaviors in children and extinguish negative behaviors, and that is much better achieved through reinforcement and extinction.
We consider reinforcement to any positive consequence, and be careful, do not mistake it with material rewards, the best reinforcement for children can be very cheap, it is the attention of their parents. It is about learning to reinforce them when they are doing the behaviors that we want to establish, that is, be with them and reinforce and reward the child while he behaves well, and do not pay more attention when he is doing the disruptive behaviors that we want to disappear, this is what is called extinction.
In a few cases the punishment is effective, and for it to be, it has to be as contingent as possible to the behavior we would like to punish, that is, as close as possible, and for a short period of time. It is useless to punish a child without watching television on the weekend if he has quarreled with his brother on Thursday, because when the time comes to apply the punishment, first, he will not remember the reason, and second, we break the possibility of rewarding behaviors in that interval from Thursday to Saturday.
What alternatives do parents have to punishment? How can we educate without punishing?
The best thing is that the concept of “punishment” disappears, since children live it as something imposed from outside and against what nothing they can do. From now on we will change the terminology: things have to be earned, and watch TV, or play for a while with the computer or video game console, you have to earn it with the right behavior.
"The best thing is that the concept of" punishment "disappears. The goal in education is to consolidate positive behaviors in children and extinguish negative behaviors."
It would be good to sit with the child and explain it to him. “From today, you will have to win playing x minutes on the computer, watching television ... and that is earned by doing homework upon arrival from school, obeying the first ... (the child has to be very clear about what is expected of him, defining his tasks in the most concrete way possible, and the norms and limits that we have established). So that when the child breaches his part of the agreement, "I punish you without a computer" will disappear, if not "today you have not earned playing the computer".
Thus the child will see that he has in his hand the possibility of winning things, that everything is in him and his behaviors. In the consultation we see many children who "are punished for everything" and this has made them lose all the motivation to behave, so even the family situation is even more tense than before the punishment.
We especially thank Silvia Álava That a gap has been made to answer our questions in full presentation of his new book.
