Being consistent is a huge challenge for today's parents and it can be difficult to treat children in the same way in different situations. A modern mother or father can relax in the treatment of their child at home and then harden when an exam is taken or on the football field.
However, the way in which parents interact with their children in different contexts can cause a complicated relationship. Specific, it can affect the feeling of attachment, so important for children during their growth.
"Attachment" can be described as the key emotional bond that exists since the child is born when seeking proximity and comfort from their primary caregivers (usually parents). It is a connection that can be tested in difficult times, such as when the child experiences sadness, pain or fear. It is in these situations when the child relies on the strength of this bond to feel safe and secure.
These connections, and the feeling of security they provide, are established during the early development of the child and provide the internal models of psychological development that guide the subsequent attachment experiences with their sentimental partners and close friends. They can also influence how to deal with everyday problems.
Sports activities, school grades and competitions that involve prizes can lead parents to pressure children, causing them to become obsessed and suffer from anxiety and stress. This can lead to children forming exaggerated expectations and reducing their self-confidence.During childhood, a strong feeling of attachment develops through the constant attention of parents, their empathy and their response to support emotional needs, especially in times of vulnerability. The children who receive it will be considered as fit to be loved by other people and will also help them when facing the adversities of life, how to confront the problems that arise instead of swallowing their problems or reacting from aggressive form.
A strong attachment encourages children to consider their thoughts, actions and feelings towards other people and thanks to this capacity for understanding, empathy and tolerance, these children will also be more likely to share and receive trust, helping them forge stable relationships during his life.
But paternity can be complicated and even with the best of intentions, the way of doing things can make everything change significantly depending on the situation. This is something that often happens when children are involved in activities related to achievement.
Sports activities, school grades and competitions that involve prizes can lead parents to pressure children, causing them to become obsessed and suffer from anxiety and stress. This can lead to children forming exaggerated expectations and reducing their self-confidence. Each situation causes parents to react differently and can end up weakening the attachment between parents and children.
Poor test results or defeat at a sporting event in these competitive (and sometimes public) settings may require more support or comfort from parents. However, many times parents are too busy with their own aggressive and competitive feelings, coming to scold their children or rejecting their needs, something that adds more insecurity to attachment.
Part of what happens with these parents is that they reify their children because they are too ambitious and competitive, treating the child according to the objectives he has to achieve as a means to meet his own needs for success. The consequence of this is that children can face the situation by distancing themselves emotionally from their own needs and accidentally reifying themselves. This is something that creates a Feeling guilty for not meeting your parents' expectations and they feel a compulsive need to succeed to satisfy them, since they value themselves based on their recognition and approval.
"Be good at sports"
According to my own research, young athletes often feel that their hard work and motivation is given by the pressure of their parents rather than their own desires. They do not feel that the people they love care about them and feel very insecure about their abilities, lacking confidence in their day to day.
Several studies show that strong and trusting relationships are forged by giving security to attachment and reducing its insecurity. Attentive, empathic and supportive responses to the emotional needs of the child must be consistent, especially in vulnerable times. What can parents do to improve the situation in the absence of coherence? According to my research, sport can be a good starting point.
You do not have to be part of the sport that your child has chosen, but to dedicate time to listen to him and to give him company in that part of his life. Leave anger, scolding and rejection out of play. Instead, use your experience with the sport as an opportunity to provide emotional support during training, competitions, watching games or even when you go shopping for equipment.
No matter how they do it on the field, on the court, or on the track, your support and unconditional appreciation in response to your love needs can gradually increase your security and attachment. In this way, you win both.
Author: Ya-Hsin Lai, Researcher, Doctor in Evolutionary and Educational Psychology, University of Bath.
This article has originally been published in The Conversation. You can read the original article here.
