You don't, mom! I want dad to come! Usually we find queries about kids who show a preference for the mother over the father (to his grief), but what happens when they prefer dad and reject mom? Most of the women to whom this happens have, with regret, that they live this preference of their children like a stab: "Every time my son tells me no, what better dad, I feel so rejected ...".
Prefer dad
This hurts a lot
The "mamitis" (alas, what expression and what an ugly concept) or the preference of the little ones to be with the mothers is something that is not only taken for granted socially, but expected, it is understood as normal. Paradoxically it is also criticized and censored ... but that's how we humans are with some things.
The acceptance of “this normality” and the expectation that it generates in mothers causes situations like this (that the child prefers to daddy) generate a even greater discomfort
The moment
When has the child started to “prefer” one or the other? This is an important question that we must ask ourselves, since your answer will undoubtedly give us calm, you will see:
Babies establish attachment relationships with the reference adult, which is certainly the mother. Why? For time spent with the baby, for the link of breastfeeding in case there is, for ... for many reasons. But that does not mean that the father is there and the baby does not have ties with him.
Little by little the kids develop, and within this evolution is the Forge your "I", your identity. To give you an idea at the beginning, they don't distinguish between them and their caregiver ... and from there they come to understand that they are independent beings. A big jump, right?
Well, within that evolutionary process, to favor it and that it can take place, there is a stage that precisely goes through “separating from the main caregiver” and fixing the attention on others: it is normal, expected and frequent.
Something similar will happen when we enter adolescence, but with both parents: at this stage our children "reject us" as the first step to forge their adult identity. They question who they are, and the first answer to move forward is "I don't know, but I know I'm not my parents." Hence, there are also such strong ties with their peers (friends), because they feel much closer to them than to parents.
Is "rejection" the same in all children? No, each child follows its process: there are those who manifest it clearly, with tears, active avoidance of the mother ... and others who simply indicate their preference for, for example, playing with dad for a few days.
How to act with your child
The most normal thing is that it is a stage and that it happens in the same way that it came, as I said, and it is also possible that your “preference” goes from father to mother alternately.
For all this we must remain calm and behave naturally, without seeking your attention or your preference. If we begin to change our behavior with respect to the child in search of becoming "the queen" again, we will be creating an absolutely unnecessary conflict in him. Do you really have to choose? Is it really so important that you prefer one or the other? Think
So nothing about "overcompensating", nothing about blackmailing or showing our discomfort about it: we are adults and they are children, let's not burden them with our stories.
What can I do with this discomfort that I feel?
Let's distinguish between love and "preference"
It is possible that your child is going through a stage where he prefers to be with dad (or with grandmother or grandfather, depends on the family situation), but that It doesn't mean I don't love you, and it is something that you have to remind yourself to neutralize that discomfort generated by "feeling rejected".
You have already seen that it is very possible that it is part of your child's normal development, which should produce some calm, isn't it? But there are also other things that are worth reflecting on to tackle the issue.
We all have certain need to feel special, unique ... to be preferred, but in the case of paternity we have to observe this need well and put it in its place, calibrate it so that it does not interfere in the relationship with our son. For this I recommend to reflect on a couple of points:
Think about what reasons there are for you to feel so bad. Is the need to “be the one” among them? Have the expectations I commented before played a trick on you?
Do you think that your child's non-preference throws the message that you are not a good mother (or worse, that for him you are not)? Review those beliefs. Do you really think that your "quality" as a mother is based on your child's preference at a specific time in life? Also, remember, you already know that one thing is preference and love is another ... your child loves you, don't doubt about that. And finally, what else does what others think?
We are not going to deny that the fact that our son clearly prefers dad is something he stings, right? But ending this discomfort is something that depends more on us, the adults, than on the kids. Remember: whatever it is, do what you do or fight what you fight Your son loves you, and much, so calm down.
Photos: Pixabay.com
In Babies and more: Babies sleep better when both parents are involved in their care; My son does not let my partner kiss me or come closer: can a child be jealous of his father or mother?
