We usually associate shyness with problem or lack. We tend to think that children should be open and participatory ... all the time. We usually think that if our son is not "the life of the party", something happens to him. But shyness is not always something to worry about. So when should we act? When should we worry about our son's shyness? Is shyness the same as introversion?
Shyness vs. introversion
What is actually being shy? Shyness is understood as an unease generated by social interaction in the face of fear of evaluation or a feeling of social incompetence (not knowing how to handle oneself). In the case of children we add the fear of the unknown along with the fact that social skills and tools are still in development.
Shyness is considered a personality trait, and is independent of the intensity of the situation: that is, someone shy is two people or two hundred. What changes is the manifestation of that shyness. On the other hand, each shy person is in his own way: there is one for whom terror is speaking in public and for whom the worst is having a face-to-face conversation with someone alone.
In Babies and more Extremely shy children: what do they feel?Be introvert It's something different to this. An introvert does not have to show special anxiety or concern about social interactions. An introverted person is characterized by preferring to have a broader individual and solo personal space, for not needing a certain number of social relationships. So no, being shy is not the same as being introverted.
When is shyness not a problem?
You are at home and a visit comes, someone you trust. Your son, who until then was playing so quietly, hides behind you before the demand of that person to kiss him (or let himself be kissed). For a long time the little one does not seem comfortable with the presence of that person and shows retracted.
This is absolutely usual and no, nothing bad happens to the child. Before strangers it is normal, and adaptive, that they feel somewhat insecure and prefer to be in the background.
There is no point in forcing the child to interact, we better allow him time to gradually gain confidence, tear down his fears, let him develop his capacity for assessment and socialization tools.
It is also common for slightly older children to sometimes avoid participating in class out of shame, they are often afraid of getting involved in new activities or of "cosita" introducing themselves to new friends.
When should we (pre) deal with the shyness of our child?
There are times when shyness is such that it prevents a correct social development of the child or generates such malaise and suffering Yes, we must act. We speak of a more extreme shyness that has negative consequences for the child, consequences that in turn come to reinforce said shyness, thus entering a negative loop.
- Self-esteem issues
- Difficulty of adaptation (to school, environment ...)
- Difficulty of emotional regulation
- High levels of anxiety (in certain situations or people, evaluation anxiety, execution anxiety ...)
- Behavioral inhibition (stop performing certain activities)
- Avoidance (places, activities, people ... such as parties, extracurricular activities, etc.)
In short, we should worry (and take care) if the shyness of the child makes him feel bad, if it starts to have a impact on their social relationships (little friends), in your school performance or in your mood. Sometimes excessive shyness can lead to anxiety.
In these cases the most advisable thing is, obviously, to go to a professional to help us and advise so that our son leaves the discomfort behind.
Being shy is not always negative
In a society in which we measure success by the "pose" we adopt in social networks, by image and popularity, shyness seems to be a handicap. In fact, for a long time, and even today in numerous countries, shyness is treated as a medical pathology. But, Is it really necessary to "change" these children?
No, it is not, it would be like trying to get a child who likes quieter games and reading to change his hobbies for purely physical games. What sense would this make? What's wrong with preferring to read instead of jumping?
Shyness is a trait, and as long as it does not generate significant discomfort for the child, nothing bad happens with it. As parents, what we must do is respect the character of our children and of course, never force them to interact or show affection with other people against their will.
Some authors point out that shyness has even its advantages: it is related to a greater capacity for observation, with less impulsiveness ...
In Babies and more, what if they grow up to be more shy and embarrassing children?What can we do from home?
In general terms the advice is to try to get them out of their comfort zone, but without forcing, gradually making them face those situations in which they do not feel comfortable. Facing instead of avoiding is the key to overcoming difficulties. We can also:
- Do not overprotect them, they have to face things themselves (within reason, it is not about leaving them alone in the face of danger): a study conducted by several US and Canadian universities determined that overprotection plays a decisive role in the development and maintenance of behavioral inhibition and anxiety in children.
- Serve him as support, not as a shield: stay by his side in social situations that bother you but encourage him to explore on his own. Little by little, as you feel comfortable, go away from their side.
- Do not anticipate: Sometimes parents anticipating complicated situations and we begin to "prevent" the child and send messages such as "nothing will happen" or "you must be calm." What these messages are really telling the little one is that the situation is indeed dangerous or negative. We alert and activate them without realizing it.
- Reinforces their attempts and advances, both verbally (being very specific: “how good that you have played alone with the friend, you had a good time, right?) and with signs of affection (children respond very well to hugs, because they serve as reinforcement as well as a source of calm).
- Be a good model to follow: Your child is learning social skills and tools, and it will be from you from whom he extracts much of the information. If you want it to be safe and to overcome its shyness, show yourself safe in your social interactions.
- Don't ridicule him, don't talk about his shyness in a mocking tone in front of others.
- Help him express your emotions in this regard and correct the negative ideas you have about yourself or about the social situation in question ("is that it scares me", "is that others will not want to play with me").
There are many more shy than we think. There are many children who show some shyness and nothing happens, absolutely nothing: little by little they will develop their skills and know the world and the social rules and will end up adapting (and adapting them). But if that shyness leads them to feel truly bad, if we see them suffer, it is best to seek help.
Photos: Pixabay.com
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