Setting limits for children is fundamental and necessary for your happiness, and the emotional well-being of you and those around you. But contrary to what many people still believe, limits can (and should) be set without resorting to rewards and punishments, whipping, or blackmail.
This is the basis of Positive Discipline, which speaks of the importance of setting limits from empathy, respect and kindness. Lorena García Vega, pedagogue, Montessori guide and educator in Positive Discipline, gives us seven keys to educating our children in an affectionate and respectful way. Because, as she says, "educating with kindness is not synonymous with permissiveness".
What are limits and what are they for?
Limits are necessary to educate children and guide them in the way of life, about what is right and what is wrong. In addition, through the limits they understand how they should behave and relate healthy to other people to be happy.
In Babies and more Children without limitsThe Positive Discipline is not based on raising with limits imposed by the adult, but it is an educational philosophy based on deep and conscious teaching, so that it is the child himself who reflects on the consequences of his actions and seeks solutions to repair the possible damage caused.
But, as Lorena tells us, it is important to be patient and trust the results, as it is a job with long-term goals. So, and according to Positive Discipline, How can we set limits on children with respect and empathy?
1) Make the child part of the limits
Yes we consider the child's opinion when setting certain limits, he will feel respected, heard and valuable, and this will generate a feeling of well-being that will lead him to accept them in a better way.
Logically, parents will be the ones who establish a consistent pattern, in addition to taking into account that there are certain limits that are not negotiable, such as those related to your safety and respect for others.
"A child will show greater interest in accepting a limit if he has collaborated in establishing it. When the child has a maturational development that allows you to reason the acts that trigger positive and negative consequences, through family meetings, limits can be agreed that affect the whole family in general and each member in particular ".
2) Set proportionate and fair limits
Positive Discipline is an educational philosophy that is not humiliating, neither for the child nor for the adult. What It is intended that the child learn to act under his self-control, but for this it is important to set balanced and respectful limits for all.
In Babies and more Nine ways to say "no" to your children constructively"Although it is difficult to set limits, because on many occasions we do not know where the balance is, one of the keys to ensuring that the limits are proportionate and fair, is that don't be humiliating for the child or for the adult".
3) Mutual respect and cooperation
Positive Discipline avoids two things: on the one hand, falling into excessive adult control and authoritarianism, and on the other, falling into permissiveness, that is, letting the child do what he wants. To do this, the limits must be set based on the respect, empathy and cooperation.
In Babies and more From tiger parents to poultry: what science says about the most popular parenting styles"The limits must be based on mutual respect and cooperation, in this way, in addition to guaranteeing the child their sense of belonging and importance, we will be collaborating in the acquisition of life skills, and accompanying the child in the development of his internal sense of control".
4) Act with kindness, not permissiveness
Lorena explains that when parents begin to investigate, inform themselves and apply Positive Discipline, it often happens that they often become too permissive, because they confuse raising with love and "kindness" with "excessive overprotection", preventing the child from living a disappointment or learn to manage frustration.
In Babies and more Being "helicopter parents" could negatively affect children's ability to manage their emotions"Kindness in Positive Discipline is synonymous with respect and validation of your feelings. In this way, through our words we will be valueing what you feel and enabling you to find a solution, while managing your anger (I understand that you are angry, but surely you are able to find a way to solve it)"
5) Make the child reflect on his behavior
Often when We don't know how to do so that the limits we put on our children are respected, we can fall for prizes and punishments, screams, emotional blackmail, withdrawal of our love, threats ...
That is, we are the adults who want to control the situation through our impositions, without allowing the child to reflect on his behavior and its consequences.
In Babies and more "Time out" and "thinking chair": an expert in positive discipline explains why we should not use these methods"In order to punish or reward, the adult must" catch "a child in the situation, so that this You will only experience positive or negative consequences when you are seen. As long as you are not "caught in full action", the child will not learn to be responsible for his own behavior, since he has not been offered the opportunity to experience the consequences of his actions without adult control ".
6) Involve the child in the search for a solution
The firmness proposed by the Positive Discipline, It is not based on punishing, giving sermons, or for the adult to take control of the situation, but in acting firmly and kindly to modulate the behavior or behavior of the child, making him a participant in his actions and consequences.
"Normally, it is the parents who decide the limits to follow, and who continually reinforce them with punishments and sermons. This usually causes the appearance of rebellion and other negative consequences" - explains Lorena.
In Babies and more The four "R": the negative consequences of punishment in children"Thus, when a child crosses a limit, before punishing him or giving him a sermon in which the adult makes him see what has happened, we can ask him questions that involve him in his actions and that help him to reason: what happened? How could you solve it?"
"Although the punishment may seem more effective for the immediate result, If the child is able to reflect on their actions and collaborate in the solution, will begin to create the basis of responsible behavior ".
7) Help you repair what you have done
Positive Discipline visualize the error as a wonderful learning opportunity, because all faults, faults or errors can be repaired. To do this, we must involve the child in the search for a possible solution, and hold him accountable for his actions and the consequences they have for others.
"If our child does any misconduct or has any behavior that harms another person, instead of making him feel bad for what he has done, it would be more advisable to approach it as follows:
- Do what the child thinks about how it would have felt if they had done it to him; that is, work empathy.
- On the other hand, it is important that the child find a way to repair or solve what you have done, to the best of your ability.
"The first thing is to apologize for what happened, but also, depending on how old you are and the fact in particular, it could help you find a valid solution that helps repair the error.".
In Babies and more How to teach our children that punishment doesn't matter, but the consequences of their actionsIn short: the way we act affects our children
Positive Discipline gives us the opportunity to set limits on respect, kindness, firmness and empathy, so that our actions affect the child as follows:
Involving the child We are respecting your sense of belonging to a group and of importance, as well as making you feel heard and taken into account in your opinions and feelings.
Motivating the child in his responsibility, we will be helping you learn from your mistakes.
Trusting him, we will be encouraging him to solve his mistakes without feeling bad about it, humiliated or ashamed.
Photos | iStock, Pixabay
Acknowledgments | Lorena García Vega - ConnectEmotions
