Today we are going to talk, within our maternity and paternity course, about the brothers, but especially what we can do and what we should not do to allow them to love each other.
Perhaps it is a subject we rarely consider: siblings are not always appreciated or respected. Many adults move away from their siblings, treat them socially and offer some support, but the relationship does not develop in the terms of love we could wish for.
The relationship between the brothers It is based on the relationships established in childhood and will depend, in large part, on the way in which we serve and treat them. I believe the right attitude so that the brothers grow up loving each other deserves a long explanation.
Everybody we want our children to grow up loving each other among them as much as we love them equally, but do we do the right thing to get it?
Do not give false expectations
The arrival of a brother is a huge change in the life of a child. Normally they wait for him with joy, excited, and they will melt with tenderness with the baby. But jealousy is also normal, some disappointment if they expected the child to join their games and some mismatch in emotions.
Perhaps the biggest mistake we can make is encourage false expectations in the child: Tell him that he will have someone to play with and whom to love can be false according to his point of view when the baby arrives. Let's tell the truth, we will love your brother as much as he does, they will be different and grow together, and, when a few years pass, they can share more games. But explain to him what a baby is, the attention he needs, that it will be the same that he received when he was and that we will continue loving him even if our love is doubled.
Choosing the time of the arrival of the brother is also important, in addition to the age difference they are going to have, especially because of our ability to meet the needs of both.
The arrival of the baby
The moments of baby's arrival They are especially delicate. The mother will be exhausted and aware of the child, the elder will need your attention in the moments of rest, but it would also be convenient to have encouraged an attachment relationship with another figure, his father or a close relative, who can take care of him, take him to play and attend when mom can't. The main thing is that he does not feel that she has abandoned him, but that he empathizes with her and the little one, but to do so, we cannot deprive him of feeling safe and accompanied as before. And that the mother can also dedicate some time for him alone.
Whether we are going to give birth to a hospital or if your brother will be born at home you have to have well covered the older child and that he knows who he is going to stay with. If it is a home birth it is convenient to have planned if we want the child to be at home and always have organized that he can go to a family member's home if he is not comfortable with what is happening. The little ones can be scared even if we have explained it to them.
It is not advisable to leave for the last months of pregnancy or the first of the brother so that the elder has to assume more changes in your life. That is to say, if we are going to wean, change it or take it to the nursery or school for the first time, it is better to do it a few months before or a few months later. I think it's understandable if we put ourselves in his skin.
Mature, but if you press
Children usually to mature when a little brother arrives, but we must leave their time and space, never demand that they suddenly get older or take on tasks suddenly. They can help us, but they are not obliged to help us. That is, let them surprise us, but do not press them.
It happens sometimes that parents, overwhelmed with the child's tasks, are enraged with the older one if he continues to give them as much work as before, or worse, if he suffers a regression and try to get attention by doing inappropriate things. Some pee again, or become enraged. If this happens, rather than scold, despair because our sweet child has changed, what we must do is empathize with him and understand what he is telling us: that he is afraid and needs attention.
Grow with a tag
Sometimes comparisons come out alone: one is more restless, another more affectionate, one is more naughty and the other more responsible. The children are themselves, they are not compared to their brother and above all, above all, they do not deserve grow with a tag. A tag marks you and leads you. If the child is believed, and that is to be believed, that it is more mischievous or less applied than the brother will be what we have told him that he is and will not change, he will emphasize his individuality in difference and opposition, even if he is behaving "bad ".
We will cheer them up, hug them and applaud their achievements, but we must always be aware that we must be equitable. In addition, each child is special, there will be something that puts the soul and that he loves to do, and, it seems more or less interesting than what his brother does, we should not make differences and know how to appreciate the achievements of each according to his personality and capabilities
We must also be aware that comparisons and tags do not fall on top of family and friends, because they also hurt them a lot.
I have been talking with other mothers about this issue and they all highlighted the importance of giving each child their own place and not forcing them. I loved it as explained by one of our readers, Azucena Caballero, who is the mother of three children of very different ages and educates them at home.
Spend a few minutes each day of your life to each child separately, that they know that each one is special and loved, that you have time for each of them individually, and that you are interested in each one of them. Share pampering with everyone at once, put them in your bed to everyone together, play with them, listen to them, allow each of them to give their version in a conflict between them, so that none is left speechless or explain how they feel. Value each one for being who you are, encourage collaboration and cooperation at home, never compare them, and show your joy and pride for each of the signs of affection they have among them.
Never demand that they love each other because yes, that unconditional love belongs to you, they love each other, but it is different. Forced love does not result, the love that arises from complicity and respect remains. Make it clear to your children that you love them above all, even when they fight with each other, since you do not want that to become enchanted, you want their relationship to flow like a river, brave sometimes, with difficult bends, but also soft, fresh, crystalline in many sections, and always in the same direction. I have three children, I adore them and what I like most is to see how they love each other, the joy that each one feels with the achievements of the other makes me drool, and I think the best gift I gave him to each one was to provide two brothers with whom to live.
Love does not prevail
We don't really have to do anything special for the brothers to love each other, rather we have to do things not to separate them. Let's not encourage competitiveness.
There will be conflicts, as usual, and sometimes they might surprise us fighting. We should let solutions solve their problems but we can avoid them if we do not encourage precisely those who have to compete for our attention, acceptance, encouragement and love.
And they shouldn't be forced to compete for things or spaces, although that is complicated, if it is good to ensure that they have their things, their place to play alone if they want and until they can do activities where they are if their brother, so that they are only themselves and not someone's brother.
The brothers who love each other they do it by their own choice and because their parents have been able to give each one what they need and deserve without taking away, to do so, what their brother deserves and needs.
In Babies and more | Maternity and paternity course: preparing to become parents, Maternity and paternity course: understanding tantrums, Maternity and paternity course: communication of the baby, Maternity and paternity course: controlling anger, Maternity and paternity course: recognizing anger, maternity and paternity course: let's express love
