Today we are going to interview the psychologist Ana María Valenzuela, specialized in Positive Psychology and we will talk with her about talents, communication and the promotion of optimism and mutual acceptance in families. We believe that you are going to love meeting her and that she has a lot to contribute.
What can Positive Psychology bring to the family?
Positive Psychology is primarily focused on well-being, happiness, improving the present, optimizing the situation.
A family that works based on the strengths of each one, that nourishes and accompanies innate talents and that seeks enjoyment, is a much happier family than the one whose members are paying attention all day to what does not work, what They don't like it or the way they have to go to stop being bad. Thus, we will emphasize promoting self-esteem, attachment, positive feelings, empathy, acceptance, validation, and finding respectful and nurturing ways to resolve conflicts.
Do parents need to be able to think positively first to help their children?
It's fundamental. For some time now, from various trends, both scientific and intuitive, it is explained that if we do not believe something, or we have no words to explain or define it, we cannot recognize it when it is presented to us. Our brain does not recognize what it does not know. I find it very important that parents know each other and know what talents and strengths we have and which others exist, in order to recognize and accompany the talents and strengths of our children. Likewise, we need examples of optimism, positive emotions and adequate expression of negative emotions in order to inspire our children with our example.
As you know, children fundamentally learn by imitation and research, and we, as parents, are the closest models
.
What mistakes and fears ballast us to educate positively?
I insist again on the lack of models. We have centuries of punitive upbringing. I really don't know if there are examples of positive education in the history of our civilization. You search the net and find really very violent advice. The positive tips are relatively very recent. Our own childhoods, if I recount all the stories that I have heard, speak of the overvaluation of obedience, silence and do what the adults send you. The adult rules and the child obeys. And if he does not obey, he is punished.
What happens now?
That this has been called into question, as the submission of women to men has been questioned. We know well the theory of equality, the declaration of children's rights, that the authoritarian educational style causes submission or rebellion, but not healthy adults, etc. The problem is that we do not know how to apply it, in practice we continue to believe that the adult knows more, and therefore, has to send and be obeyed, better at first and without questioning. If that comes together to make us all very healthy but in our interior we are full of pain, we find adults who cannot and some do not even want to respectfully and empathically recognize the child in front of them. Adults who are not valued, who do not love each other, who do not know each other, adults who only see mistakes, holes and try desperately to flee from their negative emotions, without knowing how to see strengths or work them.
What are the strengths that, as parents, we must work more intensely?
Those that facilitate the relationship with others. Strengths are a guide to happy life, if you know your strengths and put them into practice every day, you will feel very fulfilled. Some of these strengths are very individual, and others involve the rest of society: compassion, empathy, being generous, love and also the ability to let oneself be loved, honesty, impartiality, self-control, gratitude and even the sense of humor. It is best to base life on the strengths we have more developed, those that are more innate to us, and try to learn and empower others, both in us and in our family.
How can we help children develop all their talents?
It's easy: recognizing and empowering them. Although for that we will have to learn what a talent is. There are children whose strengths are not understood because for their family they are not an important value, imagine an equanimous child in a competitive family, or a very prudent child in a family with a great interest in the natural world, the risk and who values both the courage to confuse prudence with cowardice. It could become a drama!
What comments or attitudes should we avoid at all costs?
How difficult! I would almost tell you that it is easier to look at what we do well. When we try to catch ourselves in fault, we are tense (nobody likes to fail, it is another consequence of the scolding that we suffer in childhood and that we all think were not influenced). When we are tense, we have less patience and negative emotions arise more easily. And what about guilt, eternal companion of moms?
If we understand and accept, but really, that each person is unique and different, and we are dedicated to observe and understand what makes them unique and different, it will be easier for us to avoid comparisons, threats, teasing, and it will also be easier accept that they doubt us, accompany tantrums, jealousy and accept that children also have bad times. By speaking in general, that will also help children to accept and love themselves as they are.
Is self-esteem born with it or is it built?
Self-esteem is always, understood as self-love. Another thing is how much you have. And there genetics influences more or less the same as vital thoughts and circumstances.
Of course, if they teach you how to do it as a child, better than better, but not everything is lost. Many adults have had devastating childhoods and have discovered their strengths as elders, and they are building happy and full lives by putting their talents into practice in areas of their lives such as work, family, sports, volunteer activities, whatever you can think of. .
You can learn to think about yourself in a positive way, to recognize yourself and to love yourself unconditionally.
We finish today our interview with the psychologist Ana María Valenzuela about what Positive Psychology Offers to families and children. Tomorrow we will continue to deepen this fascinating topic.
