One of the issues that most worries the parents of a child, when the second one is on its way, is the possible appearance of the so-called jealousy, in which the elder feels disgusted with the arrival of the new baby, showing himself restless, nervous, irritable and even "behaving badly" and even trying to harm his new brother.
Given this new situation, it is usually recommended that, for the older person to accept the arrival of the child, he becomes a responsible person and helps to take care of him, helping to throw the diaper in the trash, helping to dress him, taking him in little arms on the couch, etc. But nevertheless, All this is not as important as the elder simply feeling at home at ease. In fact, all these tips to turn the child into a "mini-dad" or "minimma" can be considered as cruel.
Have my children been jealous?
Well, I do not know. I personally have never worried much. People always asked me if the elder (or the middle one when the third arrived) was jealous when the baby arrived and I never knew very well how to respond, because if I saw that something was changing in behavior, I simply dedicated myself to try to understand the changes and do something to remedy them.
Helping dad and mom take care of the baby
As I say, it is most usual. It is recommended that the child help take care of the little one (or little girl) to feel part of the work at home, to be one more teaming up with the parents and thus assume a certain degree of responsibility towards the baby.
It is not that he is wrong, it is not entirely wrong and it makes some sense if we consider that he assumes that he must also take care of the baby and ensure that it is ok, making sure that we bounce that way will not want him badly. However, it can be counterproductive and cruel if there is no basis of love and understanding on the part of the parents.
Counterproductive? Cruel?
Actually, the most important thing, where we have to focus our efforts so that our eldest son is not jealous, is in make your basic needs covered. I'm not talking about giving him food, promoting him to poop and pee and give him a bed where to sleep, but about mostly emotional needs. Give love, time, dialogue, understanding and know how to read between the lines when your way of behaving begins to change.
Maybe nothing happens, maybe I get along and everything is as usual, but maybe I start doing more notorious and even exasperating things to get our attention and, as we have often said in the blog, calling attention should not be considered as something negative .
People often say that "do not pay attention to it, which is attracting attention", when what needs to be done is precisely the opposite: "Pay more attention to it, it's getting attention". When we pay more attention to them, when we find moments to share, when we show them that, despite the fact that a new baby has arrived, they still have their place in the family and dad and / or mom are there, there is no need to have changes for The birth of a brother.
And I do not talk about having to neglect the baby's attention to care for the elder, but to share. It is usual and recommended that before the baby arrives dad and son strengthen ties. That they spend more time together, that they know each other better and that in this way the child can, after the baby is born, see his needs met by the father. Mom will also have her moments with him, of course, but mom is more likely to say "now I can't" and Dad can be at those times and even earlier, to prevent them.
With all this I mean that if there is that work, if mom and dad, and especially dad (or grandmother, or grandfather, or ...) are dedicated to attending to the brother in the same way that mom and others did before the brother arrives, the fact that we are also responsible for his care may be well added, although I personally have not just been moved by the idea that the brother is a "mini-dad", since I prefer it to be simply his brother (the collaboration between them and the aid will come later), but come on, that is not something important either.
On the other hand, if there is no previous work, if the child is really getting a little displaced because most looks and attention go to the little one, because the child asks for mom, but mom can't, and when she goes, dad keeps calling to mom, the fact force or promote that helps can be cruel, because in addition to being jealous of the brother, in addition to feeling displaced by him, he has to help clean him.
Come on, making a quick simile, which I don't know if it is too successful, it is as if my partner hits me with another and on top of that I have to wash his underpants.
So, as nobody would want that to happen, I say: it is more important all the work we can do with the elder so that he has his affection needs covered and so that he does not feel that he is displaced within his usual family, even if it is not mom who is dedicated to it, to make him participate in the care of the baby giving him responsibilities that he has not even asked for.
