"We told him that tomorrow he would meet his little sister, but we couldn't keep the promise": the children also suffer the neonatal loss

Perinatal loss is one that occurs in the last phase of pregnancy or in the first seven days after the baby is born. It is not difficult to imagine the hard blow that this entails for some parents, but, What happens when there are older brothers? How does this loss affect a child's life?

Monica and Alberto lost their baby during childbirth, and like them, their eldest daughter also lives what happened with deep sadness. We have talked with this mother about her experience, and her heartbreaking testimony makes us reflect on the importance of accompanying the brothers during this process, because sometimes you can fall into the error of minimizing the pain that the child is feeling.

"Tomorrow you will meet your little sister" ... but that encounter never occurred

On May 15, 2016, Monica started with labor contractions. She was in the 39th week of pregnancy and Chloe was going to be her second child. The whole family was excited, but especially little Nerea, who was six years old at the time.

Monica tells us that from the first moment Nerea knew she was going to have a little sister, subtracted with excitement the days left until he was born. She was going to be her longed for playmate, her soulmate, the life friend she would grow up with and on whom she would support herself.

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So before leaving home for the hospital, Monica explained to Nerea that in a few hours the baby would be born, and that they could soon meet: "Tomorrow we will introduce you to your little sister", his parents told him ... but, unfortunately, the meeting never came.

How to explain to a child neonatal death?

Although the pregnancy had developed normally, and when Monica entered the hospital everything went as planned, things began to get complicated during childbirth, and finally they ended up performing an emergency caesarean section.

But it was too late for her baby, and little Chloe passed away minutes after coming into the world.

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It is not difficult to imagine the hard blow that this fatal outcome was for Monica and Alberto. But their torn hearts must now face another reality: How to explain to Nerea what had happened to her little sister?

"After what happened, Nerea told us that she had missed him so much that for so many hours no one told him anything reacted with his sister. We had promised her that I would meet her the next day, but we couldn't keep her promise and she was constantly asking the family when she was going to see her sister "

"When the time came to explain the truth, we did it naturally but with immense pain. She asked us questions and at all times we decided to be honest and not invent anything, although always using language according to her age"

Nerea cried inconsolably and since her childhood innocence did not succeed in understanding how the death of her sister had occurred in a hospital ... right where we went to take care of us.

To these unanswered questions, was the fact of seeing his parents and relatives so sad:

"The days passed, and we all suffered a lot from the loss of Chloe. The pain was enormous and the three of us were very bad. It is not true that children feel pain differently ... Nerea suffered a lot "- recalls Monica, excited.

"The love for her sister was, and is, enormous. And death has not changed that feeling. Every day she remembers her, and we listen to her every time she wants to talk about her."

Monica and Alberto perfectly understand what their daughter is living. Like her parents, Nerea expected life: she longed to take her sister for the first time, act as an older sister, play with her and grow up with her. But as Monica explains, his family scheme suddenly changed:

"Nerea he suffers every day not being able to be with his sister, and longs for those moments together that will never happen. She had to face a great change in our family scheme, because she went from feeling older sister to being an only child again "

"I think sometimes adults are not aware of what perinatal grief implies in children. But let's not forget that death snatched the possibility of enjoying a childhood with his brother or sister. "

When school and classmates do not help overcome grief

Unfortunately, it is common that society tends to hide or minimize the pain caused by neonatal loss. To the ignorance on how to help or consoling a family destroyed by pain, the inappropriate phrases that are sometimes said and that do so much damage are joined.

In the case of children, the school environment could negatively affect your grieving process, if the subject is not treated with due delicacy. And sadly, this is what happened to Nerea: lack of common sense on the part of a teacher, little empathy and some classmates who have taken advantage of this moment of extreme vulnerability.

"When he was aware of what happened, and without our prior consent, a teacher decided to present the facts in class in front of all the students. It is clear that he did not know how to manage that delicate moment, and made the unilateral decision to expose our daughter's pain to all her classmates. That incident was the trigger of complications that have subsequently occurred "

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And it is that sometimes, this type of information in the hands of children can become a dangerous weapon of attack towards the partner who is having a bad time.

“Some classmates constantly remind my daughter that“ her sister is dead. ”They tell her by way of offense and without any delicacy. Nerea knows that her sister has passed away, but you don't need to be reminded constantly and in that unfortunate way "

"On several occasions we have had to go to school to raise awareness of these serious incidents, and for the moment the situation is under control from the School's Management. But the grieving process is a complex situation for everyone, especially when it also involves the children, that's why It is very important that we all together ensure your emotional well-being"

"I think it is important that from school the family be asked about how to deal with this situation in a personalized way, in order to help the child live his duel in the best possible way"

The memory of the brother who left lasts a lifetime

Monica is convinced that her daughter will remember her sister Chloe a lifetime, although she hopes they can soon do so with a smile on her lips. Today is difficult, and tears, rage and helplessness continue to take over this family by remembering what happened that night.

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Therefore, this mother reminds us of the importance of turning to the children we already have when this type of misfortune happens, because it is essential that we understand that they also live their grief, and that our accompaniment and love are important to help them overcome it.

"I know adults who still remember their brothers with a lump in their throat. In some cases, that pain was hidden from the family nucleus itself. That is, the parents decided not to talk about what happened thinking that it would hurt less. Logically, they acted as they knew best, but the silence left their other children without emotional attention. "

From family intimacy, we must help our children overcome grief by providing them with the precise tools of emotional management, as well as psychological help if needed "

"During life, we all suffer losses that entail a grieving process that helps us move forward without the deceased. Let us meditate on the experience of grieving in children, facilitating the process and not complicating their healing"

Acknowledgments | Mónica Carrasco - "Chloe's Footprints"